How do you handle team members who come to you with their personal problems?

Maybe your father was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness or your mother’s house was burglarized. Perhaps your daughter is struggling in school, or your husband just served you divorce papers. Life will throw you curve balls, and you may be at work when it happens. Even if the personal crisis arises when you’re not in the office—it will likely affect your work performance to some degree.

“Work cannot be the place where you spend all your time talking about the crisis,” says Maggie Mistal, a career consultant, radio host and speaker. “When you are working, you have got to stay focused on the tasks at hand.  Be a professional and get the work done that really needs to get done.”

Marjie Terry of Great on the Job concurs. “You should try to keep your personal crisis out of the workplace as much as possible because it can become a burden and unnecessary distraction for others. That being said, when you're dealing with a longer-term crisis, you will likely need to rearrange your workload and/or schedule.”

Deborah Shane, a career author, featured writer, speaker, and media and marketing consultant says it’s impossible to completely separate your personal life and work life--and therefore difficult to evade your crisis at work--but she warns, “Don’t be a drama queen or a toxic person.”

“The more crisis and disruption surrounds you, the more people will think of you that way,” Shane says. “Come to work to work, leave the personal stuff at home and to your outside support system as much as possible.”

But if the crisis does creep into your work life, here’s how you should handle it:

Tell your employer and/or boss.

“Most crises take up time and energy, and therefore will have an impact on your work,” Terry says. “Whenever you anticipate your work being affected, you need to inform your boss or employer.”

Nancy Collamer, a career coach at MyLifestyleCareer.com, says it depends on the crisis. In the case of a sudden, severe and dramatic crisis, you should definitely tell your employer, she says.

“People tend to be highly sympathetic in these types of situations and are often eager to help. Don't shut them out.” The question of whether or not to tell your employer in other types of crisis situations is a bit more difficult to answer, she says.

A couple of questions to consider:  Is your employer supportive and someone who you can trust? Is this a situation you feel comfortable discussing? Can you realistically handle this situation during non-work hours?

“There is no one right answer," Collamer says. "On one hand, your employer might be more supportive than you expect. Opening up a personal conversation might actually help to build trust and improve your relationship. On the other hand, once the proverbial cat is out of the bag, there is no turning back, and might sometimes cause unintended consequences.”

Remember that any crisis could affect your attitude toward work, your performance, your availability, your level of energy or all of the above, Mistal says. “If your work is going to be impacted, it’s best to let your boss know so that he or she understands what you are going through and that you’re not just slacking off.“

You’ll also want to be clear about what you are asking for and why you’re telling your employer about the crisis.

Don’t share too much or too little.

If you do decide to share, or if the problem is so disruptive that there is simply no choice but to share, choose your words carefully, Collamer says. “Explain the situation clearly without going overboard on the details--particularly when describing situations that might leave the other party feeling uneasy.” There is a fine line between providing not enough and too much information.

“You don’t want to be a soap opera but you don’t want to be so private that people don’t have the opportunity to support you,” says Melissa Hopp, vice president of administrative services at the Community College of Baltimore County, Maryland.

Ann Kaiser Stearns, Ph.D., best-selling author of Living Through Personal Crisis (Idyll Arbor Press, 2010) and noted professor of psychology, agrees that the information shared is best limited to the basic details. Why? “The more you disclose the more easily your vulnerabilities and reactions can be scrutinized and misconstrued," she says. "People cope in different ways with personal crisis so that what is actually a strength, often is viewed as weakness. It is virtually never a good idea to share family financial worries or legal problems, substance abuse or mental health issues – personal matters still stigmatized all too often by employers.”

Give your boss or employer just enough for him to fully understand the gravity of your situation, Mistal says. “Don't sugarcoat or downplay the situation if you're really in a crisis. It will only mismanage expectations and you could end up disappointing others.”

Hiding a crisis altogether is only going to create more stress in your life as you'll try to manage too many things and, most likely, do a less than stellar job at all of them, Terry concludes.

Tell co-workers and clients on a need-to-know basis.

Everyone affected by your performance needs to understand, but they don’t need every detail, Mistal says. Think about the people you work with and how any changes in your work or schedule, as a result of the crisis, are going to affect them.  Ask yourself: Will they need to take on more work?  How long do you think that will last?  Will you be a bottleneck to their work if you’re not available at a moment’s notice?  “Think about others and come up with ideas for mitigating any negative impact on them.”

“I would only tell co-workers who you know well and you have that kind of trusting relationship with,” Shane adds “Having a small support team at work is very helpful during crisis times.” But she says to take extreme caution, as co-workers may betray your confidence. Having your personal business aired around the office will add unnecessary stress.

As far as clients go, they typically do not need to know about your personal crisis, Terry says. “Unless you are very senior in your organization or you have an extremely close relationship with a client where they will be noticeably impacted by your absence, you do not need to tell them.” Your team should be able to cover for you—so there’s no need to give your client cause for concern.”

Stay positive and keep your emotions in check.

“Keep your poise and positive attitude and act as best you can daily,” Shane says.

Try to keep your emotions under control, Collamer adds. “If possible, wait to speak with your employer until you've had a chance to settle your nerves and reflect on the situation. The last thing you want to do is dissolve into a puddle of tears in your boss's office. It can be helpful to rehearse the conversation ahead of time with a trusted friend.”

Another way to stay positive at work: surround yourself with positive co-workers. “Limit the time you spend with negative people,” Stearns says. “Maximize your time with hopeful, positive, kind, empathetic, unselfish people who care about you and live their own lives optimistically.” Make an early decision not to be a victim, and decide that you will learn from the difficult times, she adds.

Take time off.

Consider taking time off until the dust clears. Investigate options for family or medical leave or consider using vacation or personal days, Collamer suggests. “Explore ways to work from home. Sometimes even a temporary work-from-home arrangement can go a long way toward reducing the amount of stress involved with having to report to an office each day.” However, don’t avoid the office altogether.

“As someone who had aging and dying parents that I had to take care of, I found that work was actually a great outlet, as it made me more empathetic with clients and co-workers,” Shane says.

Work can provide much needed distraction from your personal crisis, but if you can’t focus on work because the crisis is too overwhelming emotionally or just really needs all your time and attention, you’re best to take time off, Mistal adds. “The savviest professionals know when to take themselves out of the game.  This will only help others know what they can and can’t count on your for during your difficult time.”

If you’ll be out of the office, figure out what provisions need to be made for the work that needs to be done in your absence and tell your boss and colleagues how accessible might you be able to be via e-mail, Stearns says. “Workplace availability by phone when in the throes of a personal crisis is not a good idea because it’s intrusive and can catch you at a vulnerable, distressing time.”

Utilize resources.

Research the support services your company or insurance offers on your own or with H.R. You’re employer may offer counseling, treatment, or care services that can be useful, Shane says.

“Be reasonable about what your employer can and can't do for you,” Collamer says. “Some companies offer EAP plans and internal support, but at the end of the day it will be primarily up to you to marshal the resources needed to get you through the crisis.”

Know your boundaries.

Be discreet. “Have conversations about your personal life behind closed doors,” Terry says. Try to schedule appointments related to the crisis outside of work.

“Also set up a system of communication with everyone involved in the crisis,” Shane says. “For instance, tell them they should only contact you with information related to the crisis during your lunch break or after work, unless it is an emergency.”

Do your job.

If you’ve determined you’re well enough to show up, do your job.

Respect your work environment and culture by “doing the best job you were hired to do and being a good team player,” regardless of any personal things you’re going through, Shane says.

Remember that your goal is, as always, to produce great work, Terry says. “But you may need to rearrange things for a bit to allow you to manage your crisis.”

Be respectful.

Be respectful of your co-workers' time and attention; even the best of friends and employers have their limits, Collamer says. Strive to keep work time focused on work and be hyper-sensitive to signals that might indicate you are overstepping the bounds of friendship and work. “Don't forget that no matter how tough your situation is, everyone has ongoing personal challenges, so don't forget to occasionally ask about them and their lives as well.”

Say thank you.

Once the crisis passes, don't forget to express your gratitude, Collamer says. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture; something as simple as writing a thank you note can be a very powerful gesture.

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