Is the type of listening that is often employed when we are looking to make choices or find points of disagreement?

Active listening is a way to hear and respond to another person that will increase shared understanding.

If we improve our personal listening and communication skills, we will better understand other’s perspectives, emotions and needs. The ability to listen and hear what another person is saying is essential to working through conflict.

As defined in Wikipedia, active listening is “a communication technique used in counselling, training and conflict resolution, which requires the listener to feed back what they hear to the speaker, by way of re-stating or paraphrasing what they have heard in their own words, to confirm what they have heard and moreover, to confirm the understanding of both parties.”

It is critical to pay attention to the other person when they are talking. Focus on the words as stated in order to really comprehend what is being said. Pay attention to the points being made, instead of mentally preparing your response. Use honest questions to learn additional facts and details about the situation. Listen for signs of emotions and feelings that may be involved.

In the Michigan State University Extension Soothing Conflict Smoothies program, additional active listening skills include summarizing and reframing. What do these terms really mean, and how can you practice these “active listening” skills? You do not have to be in conflict to practice these skills – use them with your next conversation, whether at work or at home. The skills are simple, yet very powerful when used correctly.

Restate: Repeat what you have just heard, using words very close to those just spoken. This shows that youare listening to what is being said.

Paraphrase: Use your own words to state what you think the other person meant. Begin with phrases like: “I hear you saying,” “so I think you are saying,” or “you believe that…” This helps the other person know you have heard them and do understand what they are trying to say.

Summarize: Paraphrase what you have heard, including any emotion that you feel in the other person’s message. Use phrases like: “it sounds like you feel,” or “I believe that you feel…” This can confirm the other’s feelings in the context of the discussion, and often helps them to move on and pursue constructive solutions to the conflict.

Reframe: A KEY opportunity to describe what you believe the other person really wants, which can lead to thinking about constructive solutions to problems. Use neutral language, or err on the side of more positive statements.

Consider reframing a complaint of “I'm sick and tired doing all the work on this project” to “I'm hearing that you would really like other people to share the work and be equal partners on this project.”

It can be positive for people to think about solutions to interpersonal conflicts instead of focusing on a “my opinion versus yours” type of situation. Have you ever thought, “Gee, I think I just said that,” when it felt like someone was arguing their point of view with you? 

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Hearing and listening are not the same. You hear music, the sound of rainfall, or the sound of food being prepared in the kitchen. Listening, on the other hand, requires attention, comprehension of the message that’s being relayed, and recollection of what’s been said.

Benefits of Being a Good Listener

There are numerous benefits associated with being a good listener. People with refined listening skills can help others feel secure in expressing their opinions. They may also be better able to reduce tension during arguments and communicate respect to the speaker. Other potential benefits include being more likable, building stronger relationships, and having a clearer understanding of what’s being discussed.

• Good listeners are more likable. Individuals with strong listening skills are present in the conversation. People who listen with focus are often perceived as more likable.
• Good listeners build stronger relationships. Communication is not a one-way street. Good listeners show interest, ask open-ended questions, and acknowledge what’s being said. This helps reduce misunderstandings and builds stronger relationships.
• Good listeners have a clearer understanding of the topics being discussed. Individuals with refined listening skills seek to fully understand a speaker’s message. They pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues and ask for clarification when needed.

Strategies for Effective Listening

Listening isn’t a passive activity, but a process that you actively undertake. To be a better listener, you must be focused on the speaker, their message, and let the speaker know you understand what’s been said. Below are just a few of the techniques you can use to become a better listener.

• Make eye contact. Making and maintaining eye contact with the speaker lets them know they have your undivided attention. Put your phone on silent and put it away, and turn off your radio and TV. If you’re in a Zoom meeting, set your status to “do not disturb” and minimize other browser windows. Looking at your smartphone or scanning the room can make you seem uninterested and interrupt your ability to concentrate on what you are hearing.
• Ask follow-up questions. If the speaker’s message is unclear, ask clarifying questions to gain more information. You can also ask confirming questions, such as “I want to make sure I got that right. It sounds like you’re saying Is that correct?” This can help you gauge if you’ve received the message accurately. If you’re engaged with a teacher, colleague, or manager, take notes and leave room for silence. This allows you to take a beat and process the information you’ve received before asking for more information.
• Be present and attentive. Good listeners are attentive and engaged in the moment. They shut out distractions and give their undivided attention to the speaker. Additionally, using positive minimal response, such as nodding, touch, or through sound, also shows you’re listening and actively engaged with the speaker.
• Don’t interrupt. When you interrupt, it communicates that you don’t care about what’s being said. Interrupting can also make it appear as if you’re uninterested in the subject matter and were looking for a moment to interject.

Examples of Ineffective Listening

Ineffective listeners aren’t engaged, don’t make eye contact, and often miss what’s being presented. Ineffective listening strategies you should avoid include selective listening, inattentiveness, and defensive listening.

• Selective listening. Selective listening is like listening with a highlighter. Instead of considering the totality of the speaker’s message, selective listeners only pay attention to the parts they think are most relevant to them.
• Inattentive listeners don’t give speakers their full attention. They’re often distracted and focused on other things, which can mean missing most of what the speaker is saying.
• Defensive listening. Defensive listeners hear innocent statements, such as “I don’t like people who are indecisive,” and perceive them as personal attacks. Defensive listening can cause strain in both personal and professional relationships.

4 Types of Listening

Listening skills can be developed, but it takes practice. Whether you’re interested in improving your networking, landing a new client, or connecting better with your family, strong listening skills can help. Below are just a few effective listening styles.

1. Deep Listening

Deep listening occurs when you’re committed to understanding the speaker’s perspective. It involves paying attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues, such as the words being used, the speaker’s body language, and their tone. This type of listening helps build trust and rapport, and it helps others feel comfortable in expressing their thoughts and opinions.

2. Full Listening

Full listening involves paying close and careful attention to what the speaker is conveying. It often involves the use of active listening techniques, such as paraphrasing what’s been said to the person you’re speaking with to ensure you understand their messaging. Full listening is useful in the classroom, when someone is instructing you on how to complete a task, and when discussing work projects with superiors.

3. Critical Listening

Critical listening involves using systematic reasoning and careful thought to analyze a speaker’s message and separate fact from opinion. Critical listening is often useful in situations when speakers may have a certain agenda or goal, such as watching political debates, or when a salesperson is pitching a product or service.

4. Therapeutic Listening

Therapeutic listening means allowing a friend, colleague, or family member to discuss their problems. It involves emphasizing and applying supportive nonverbal cues, such as nodding and maintaining eye contact, in addition to empathizing with their experiences.

Become a Better Listener

Becoming a better listener takes practice, but if you succeed, you’ll find yourself learning new and interesting things about the people you communicate with. You may also find you’re better at picking up subtle messaging cues others may miss.

A number of specific strategies can be applied to listening, but they all share one key element: being present and attentive during conversations and respectful of those involved. This ability can help you be a more effective partner, parent, student, and coworker.

Recommended Reading

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Sources

The Balance Careers, “Types of Listening Skills with Examples”

Customer Service Institute of America, “8 Examples of Effective Listening”

Indeed, Building Communication Skills: 9 Types of Listening

Roger K. Allen, Deep Listening

Silver Delta, 5 Benefits of Being a Great Listener

ThoughtCo. The Definition of Listening and How to Do It Well

Very Well Mind, “How to Practice Active Listening”

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